He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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