I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
