I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
