So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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