I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
50% drunk capacity currently
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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