Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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