Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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