Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
