why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
