I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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