? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Randomize
