Are we in a gay sports bar?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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