I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
