if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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