Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
