i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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