While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
i will never coherently bang her
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Randomize
