someone threw a dead crab at me
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
