There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
