I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
