Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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