Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
We need a shit load of segways right now
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
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