Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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