1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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