You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
