i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
and you fell through a lawn chair
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
