I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I have aggressive nipples.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
