I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
