I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Randomize
