Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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