1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
