Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
