it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
