theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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