She said her name was "party"
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
