His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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