I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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