ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
