Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
