he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Randomize
