tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
