I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
