she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Just invented taco cereal.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
