"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
