why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Randomize
