I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Randomize
