About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
