Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
