I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I supernannyed him into submission
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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