he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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